This is going to be a longgggg story... When i started my blog i promised to share how i changed my life. N finally after almost 3 years, only now im blogging about it...
It's a long story....terpaksa Bahagi to a few parts....
It was early feb... Within 1 week I heard that 2 people I knew had passed away..in my heart, suddenly I was thinking about my own death...
A few days passed, I was just preparing to sleep after a long day ... Suddenly I heard my sister knocking on my door.. I opened she asked "did u get the sms??" I told her not yet, my phone is on silent... She said we hv to go hospital now, our close friend is in critical condition...
innalillahiwainnailaihirojiun
He passed away....it's heartbreaking because it was just 4 months ago he had lost his dear father... N now it's him.... May Allah SWT grant him, his father n all of us Muslims Jannah...
Another death?? I asked my self, n this was someone that had filled my memories of growing up....this time it really it hit me, what would happen if I died today?? Will Allah place me in jannah?? For days I had many sleepless night thinking about death....
I was having a life crisis... I was confused with what I wanted in life...I didn't understand what my purpose of life was...I wasn't the best of Muslims... I wasn't a pleasant person with my family.. I only wanted to do what made me happy n I did not care even if it was hurting the people around me and the people that loved me...I was selfish!
But days went by n I kept asking myself what am I doing with my life?? If i died today, would anybody make doa for Allah swt to forgive me?? N I realised, yes my parents n family members would n my righteous friends would...but aren't this the people that I am hurting??
N the "so called" friends that I'm spending most of my time with, I doubt they would make any dua for me, they don't even make dua themselves...
And then I met up with one of my closest friend, i was so nervous, I didn't know what to say to her, coz she had just lost her brother n her father...but when we met, mashaAllah she just had this beautiful smile... We were talking n talking... She was just telling me how Islam has made her strong to face the lost of her brother n father...and I asked " don't u miss our past n all the fun we had??" n she explained that Islam has given her an inner peace that sense of calmness...n I could tell it was sincere because I saw that in her...
A few days went by.. N I bumped into another friend, she too had just found her inner peace from Islam...wow I told myself, I never thought I would see her in tudung....
But I'm a Muslim, then why am I feeling sooooo lost??? I wanted the calmness they had, but i was to scared to loose my life... I was not willing to loose my friends, my job, my what I thought was amazing life....
I wanted to change, but I just couldn't not start.... Something was stoping me... Till 1 night....
I had the scariest dream..... I dream that I had died, I was burried, n my grave was soooooooooo small filled with really scary creatures..... All this creatures were eating me...I was crying for help, but I was ALONE...n finally after what I felt like a long period of time I heard a voice telling me, if u don't change now, this is ur barzakh....
N suddenly I woke up... I was reallly scared, I was shivering n I was crying non stop... I was soo scared I didn't know what to do... I ran to my parents room... I cried n told my mum I had a bad dream... My mom hugged me n baca dua for me. She said see if u don't baca doa before u sleep the syaitan will Kacau u...
But deep inside I knew...that was not syaitan disturbing me, that was a HARD reminder for me that if I keep living my life that way, I would end up like that.......
To be continued
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